Contradictions

After two years spent trying to make my husband understand that we needed to separate, after repeating and explaining it countless times, here we are at last, facing the fait accompli, facing this long-awaited, long-desired separation, facing my freedom, now near and finally within reach.
And yet I am afraid. Afraid of hurting him, of leaving her alone, of preventing her from seeing her daughter every day; it is horrible how guilty I feel, as if I were responsible for him, as if I were responsible for his misery. And yet I made so many efforts; I stayed with him for all those years without him changing. And yet I put him on the right path many times, but to no avail. My weariness overcame our love; he let the daily routine absorb us, and my will to break that routine eventually wore out my patience.
I am afraid today of what I am exposing him to and afraid that he will act as usual, as if nothing happened, as if it were just a minor, unimportant argument that will be quickly forgotten, afraid of having to repeat my speech about our separation, afraid of having to endure his psychological harassment again…
I know he is suffering, but I am suffering too, so much, because I suffer from my own grief and from his.
I am so tired…

I don't know if I'm in the right place, I just wanted to share my grief with someone.
Good night.

Dear Estella, I have just read your message and can see your distress in your words.

Finally, distress, not really, because it was your choice to begin with, and now that it’s almost done, you’re going back on your decision.

So what has changed for this return?
A discussion must have upset you for things to reach this point.

That said, it is important to occasionally understand why we do things, and often to comprehend our past mistakes in order to better live in the present and the future.

As I often say to certain people, you think too much; let your heart speak, for it alone holds the truth, while thought, for its part, becomes perverted at every moment.

You shouldn't regret it, as that is likely her goal: to make you reconsider a decision you've already made.
Yes, it’s tough, but aren’t you, after all, the ones who caused this situation?
So be careful of what your thoughts dictate to you, and listen to your heart to guide you better, something very few people do in today’s world of thought.

Kind regards,

Bensoussa

Hello Estella, Hello Sage Bensoua!

We dwell on the breakup for a long time, and at the last moment we hesitate because we are afraid of the unknown.
Fear is our worst enemy, the one that prevents us from moving forward and fulfilling ourselves.

Estella, something caught my attention in your post, you said:

And yet I made so many efforts, I stayed with him all those years without him changing.

But you, have you changed?

Because there is one important thing we should all know: we do not have to try to change others.
Your husband is "him" in his own right and as such he must be respected, not changed.
However, if we know who we are, if we realize our potential, and if we manage to replace our bad habits with better ones that suit us more, then others will see us differently and inevitably change their behavior toward us.
But it is not the others that we will have changed. It is just that our change toward a "better" in ourselves always brings "better" to the other.

It remains important not to misidentify the goal; it is on ourselves that we must work, not on others.

Each realization of the good enriches the others in good.

Very friendly regards.

We all change during a wedding and over the years. For women alone, motherhood can transform them. Couples separate a year after the birth. Of course, the woman can be unrecognizable. Physically and psychologically.
Didn't people used to say that getting married was about “growing old together”? And didn’t people used to marry for “better or worse”?
Isn't loving someone about accepting them with their changes? Just as they do with us?
Of course, passionate love never lasts forever, but it should give way to friendship, respect, or any other form of shared connection. And of course, harmony and a shared vision of life are essential.
If no “vision” or “thought” is any longer the same; I think it is time to reflect on it.
But again? Would one want to leave someone one knows… and who perhaps knows us better than we know ourselves?

I'll stop there; I have no advice to offer.

Just that one: you must be 100% sure you want to discover your freedom. It must be a well-considered decision, not one made on a whim.

Decisions made on a whim are often regretted later on…

Good luck anyway, and do what you truly want deep down. What you want in your soul, heart, and body… you live according to your own conscience (and no one else’s).

Hello everyone.
Due to some computer issues, I am not really able to take the time to reply to you, but I still wanted to thank you for your support and I will get back to you very soon. In the meantime, your thoughts are fueling my own.
See you soon

Estella

Hello everyone
I wouldn't offer advice; I’m merely sharing my opinion on this awkward question of separation, as many good things have been said.
One thing above all: regardless of the decision, no one should be judged.
But separation equals renunciation, so he weighs the pros and cons without any judgment of value.
Keep smiling, life is beautiful.

Hello everyone,

Any separation should be perceived as a renewal of our lives and as an awareness of our past actions.
Too many people are stuck in the idea that everything is tied to life and that one must at all costs bear everything, whether out of principle or otherwise, but one must understand that love is acceptance, not coercion.
Loving is fine, but reaching the stage of pretense, of appearing for the sake of others, of having to put up with each other, is lamentable, and it is in this regard that a relationship can be perceived as a failure!
Keep in mind that some separations drive people apart forever, while others bring them closer together.

Warm regards
The magician.

Hello everyone, thank you for your advice, opinions, support, and insights.
Bensoussan, to try to answer you, I would say that nothing has changed about this return except that I feel guilty about his suffering, responsible because I am the one making the decision, even if I consider him largely responsible for our failure. And he has a sharp tongue and knows me well enough to know how to make me change my mind. The problem is that I have reached saturation from constantly changing my mind, moving forward and then backing up, and above all, I am tired of putting others' well-being before my own. He would like us to continue living together just to take care of our daughter together, but at the same time, he throws a fit every time I go out, and as a result, I feel anxious every time I leave and sometimes even give up for fear of conflict. I did not sign up to enter the priesthood…
Mamyol, you're asking me if I've changed. It's a difficult question. Yes, I've changed compared to a certain idea of love I used to have—blind love, the notion that one marries for life. I thought that the love of children could replace that other kind of love. I was wrong. You can make do with it for a while, but not for long.
Loola, you talk about accepting change, and I agree, but there has to be some change in the first place, and I’m only talking about the changes and the dreams we set out to pursue together at the beginning of our life together, our plans.

In fact, I believe I could summarize my life simply by saying that I would just like to find a man I could lean on a little, someone who would take charge and look after me a bit. I just want to stop carrying the stress of others; I carry enough of my own. A simple example: my husband calls me to propose a weekend and asks if I’m available on a specific date. I say no, the idea falls through, and I hear nothing more about it until three years later, when I learn it was my fault because I wasn’t available. It’s true that there’s only one available weekend in the year. Second possibility: he proposes the weekend, and I do the rest—booking, research, everything. It should be noted that I often work an average of 12 to 13 hours a day. In nearly ten years of marriage, my husband has never taken me on a trip (if I don’t make the decision, we go on vacation at my initiative), has never done anything surprising (other than bad surprises), and only offers me restaurant outings, for someone for whom eating merely meets a physiological need and who, moreover, often goes to restaurants for professional needs.
But I suppose I must be too demanding.
As of today, he is supposed to leave the house at the end of the year, once he has decent housing (provided by his employer) to take in his daughter. I bet I’ll be the one leaving first (which is also why, dear Lemagicien, my exams are so important to me: they allow me to become independent and continue to provide a decent life for my daughter).

Thank you all again. Life goes on, and in a few days, I’ll see what direction it takes based on the results.

Best regards
Estella

I have no advice to give you; we can’t put ourselves in your shoes, but I think I’m well placed to simply tell you that I’ve lived through this situation. In the long run, it becomes unbearable. Is this what life is supposed to be? The whole point is to know, deep down, what you truly want, before you start asking yourself a whole host of questions about the consequences. Imagination can carry us far away, leading to feelings of doubt…
Alright, I'm kissing you goodbye, Estella, and good luck! Tomorrow will be a new day…