Too much to take on

Hello

Here lately, all I seem to get is bad things, and I don't know how to deal with it all anymore.
It all starts with my job; I get fired for reasons that aren't really valid, but whatever, let's move on!!
After my husband acted like an idiot, he had his driver's license revoked for driving under the influence of alcohol (which is well-deserved, as it's dangerous for him and others!). That said, I believe he has a problem with alcohol, but I'm tired of arguing with him about it.
which means that I am forced to stop my job search, because wanting to work with elderly or disabled people, I would definitely have staggered schedules, and since my husband no longer has a driver's license, he will no longer be able to pick up the kids from daycare or the nursery.
But the hardest part is that if I don't work, we'll never get ahead financially, and all of this scares me!!
On top of that, we’re waiting for a response on our mortgage application, but there’s still nothing on the horizon, and it’s worrying me!!!
And to make matters worse, I just received a bailiff’s letter stating that they will seize my furniture on March 30 over unpaid hospital fees, even though we have already taken care of it a long time ago. So I called the hospital, and they just realized that my son’s file included the mutual insurance coverage. It’s really infuriating!!!
Anyway, here’s the thing: I think sometimes it’s better to just stay in bed!

Dear Bujon,

Your story made me very sad for you.

You are practically left to fight against all odds on your own. When everything piles up and you can't find the end of the tunnel to finally glimpse a happy outcome. As you say, there are days when you just want to stay in bed. I can only understand you. But let's not give up.

Together, if you wish, we will calmly think through all of this, and I hope to help you as best I can to find concrete solutions that will get you out of this difficult situation. Above all, Bujon, stay positive; I know that can seem like an empty phrase in these circumstances, but your strength and willpower will, first and foremost, help you keep your head above water.

From a financial standpoint, I think it is important for you to find a job, both to help cover household expenses and because you will feel better psychologically than just going in circles at home.

I see that you are concerned about the practical aspect of being able to bring your children home while your husband no longer has his driver’s license. Is the nanny who looks after your children far from your home? Could your husband not walk the distance to pick up the children? That’s one idea. Another solution would be for the nanny to agree to take your child back home, and for another person to pick up the one at daycare; perhaps she might even be willing to pick up the one at daycare and bring both of your children home. That way, you would be able to consider going back to work. In any case, your husband must acknowledge the mistakes that led to him losing his license and must take action to support your return to work.

In the end, has your bailiff issue been resolved, and did the hospital do what was needed to stop the process?

Come on, hold on, Bujon. You did the right thing by pouring your heart out in the context of the extended hand; you are no longer alone now. I admire you; you had the courage to openly say everything you had on your mind and share your worries with us. It must not be easy to do that.

Don't hesitate to let me know how you're doing

See you soon

Thanks, Josy

As for the nanny, she lives very far away, more than 10 km from our home, and she also looks after two other children, so it is difficult for her to bring my little Kevin back to me.
When does Benjamin have my neighbor? She could watch him from time to time in the evening, but I don't really trust her, and I wouldn't be able to relax at all, but I'm going to try to find another solution.
The worst part is that my husband does stupid things and everyone pays the price, especially me, but I’m used to it; he shows me all sorts of colors sometimes!! But this time it’s the straw that broke the camel’s back!! I’m fed up of fighting this enemy, which is alcohol! Tell me if I’m exaggerating: he drinks 1 Ricard at noon and in the evening, plus 1 Kir at noon and in the evening, and three glasses of rosé at noon and in the evening—is that a normal consumption at every meal? Per week, that makes 6 bottles of rosé (1L), three of white (1L), plus a bottle of Ricard, not counting what he drinks when I don’t see him. Every time we go out, I’m ashamed because he’s drunk! So now I no longer go out with him; at least that’s settled!!
I am tired and I feel physically and emotionally exhausted. I thought this year would be better for me because last year was also very difficult. My little boy was very sick; he was hospitalized multiple times, not to mention the 125 respiratory physiotherapy sessions he had to attend (which meant constant trips back and forth to the physiotherapist). Since my husband works all day, I had to manage everything on my own.
Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve all these trials; nothing is going right!!!
As for the bailiff, I think I will have to go to the hospital to ask them for a certificate stating that everything is in order, so that the procedure can be stopped.

See you soon

Hello Bujon,

I sympathize with your distress; I also have a lot of problems to deal with. Being a single mother of three for the past 12 years, it’s not easy to handle the issues that always seem to come up all at once.

Here you will always find help; there will always be someone who can advise you, offer ideas, or even provide moral support.

I agree with Josy, keep looking for a job, that’s the key to solving the problems, and then you’ll sort them out as they come up. Once you have your contract, you can negotiate your working hours; there are still some decent people around these days.

You can see a social worker who can help you with financial matters (rent, electricity, phone bills). I know it’s not easy to take the first step, as we often have our pride, but it does help.

As for bailiffs, they often scare us, but it is a procedure used by the state. You must have all the documents in hand regarding the hospital's error to prove their fault.

As for your husband, it is up to him to become aware of his condition. Without undergoing a treatment program, a general practitioner can help him follow a treatment for his addiction (I work in the medical field and can help if you have any questions), but he must be willing to do so.

That said, you are a strong and determined person capable of taking on all of this; always keep hope and believe strongly in what you desire.

We are all with you, do not hesitate to contact us.

Kisses

sebsylam

I will listen to you and I will continue looking for a job even though all of this seems insurmountable!
I am married and yet I feel so lonely at times; luckily my kids are there!
For my husband, he refuses to admit that he is dependent on alcohol; he tells me that I am exaggerating! Yet when his bottles are finished, he rushes to buy more!
Nothing makes him react, not even the time he had been drinking. He had fallen asleep, and his work phone rang, so I tried to wake him up. What had I done there!! He got angry and hit me. I ended up with bruises on my arm and back, and the worst part is that the next morning he didn't remember anything and had a hard time believing that he had done that to me!!
Fortunately, it never happened again, and that's the main thing!
It’s not easy to talk about all of this, but I think it’s doing me good!!

bujon

You must not accept that, even if it has only happened once, it is still one time too many.

You must take care of yourself and your children.

Someone who is dependent is an alcoholic, you think the words are a bit strong but I’m telling you how it is, a person who is dependent on anything will never admit it, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, there comes a point where it’s never enough, the body always demands more, only an extreme shock can make the person react.

Perhaps you should make resolutions for your future life; the choice and the decision are yours, think about it seriously.

I'm with you, kisses.

sebsylam

I know I shouldn't have accepted this kind of thing, but he's so adorable when he's in a good mood.
He rarely gets drunk, fortunately for us, but I can tell when he’s had too much and he doesn’t admit it! Even my 5-year-old son tells him when he’s had too much to drink.
Yet he should understand, because in his family, two of his uncles are alcoholics—well, one managed to get over it, and kudos to him!
The good thing is that I have the support of his family, who are trying to talk to him, but to no avail; he gets angry and says he doesn't drink that much!
He destroys everything around him and he doesn't even realize it; it breaks my heart.

Hello Bujon,

Without making a big speech, I would say that an alcoholic is first and foremost a sick person, but a sick person who is unaware of it, believing they can solve the problem on their own, which is absolutely wrong.
It is up to him to realize the harm he is causing you through his behavior.
Do not fall into the trap of people who have been abused or who have an alcoholic or violent partner, saying, "He's so sweet when he's sober."
They're fine, when? Every other day, and then it's back to the grind…
Getting hit is always one too many!

Friendship
The magician

I would like to thank you for your support; it really warms my heart.

My husband is going away for the weekend tonight and I think that will give me some time to think about all of this!!
Here are two quotes:

Alcohol has two versions. Either it’s an enemy who wants what’s best for you but does you harm, or it’s a friend who wants to hurt you but does you good.

or

Alcohol, the hell of the delightful everyday that kills its man by disintegrating him, without seeming to notice.

Actually, I have a hard time stepping back from all of this; only people outside the situation tell me to do something, but I’m currently unable to see what it is!! As they often say, love makes you blind!!

On top of that, I’m in a period of self-discovery, because I’ve neglected myself for far too long, and it’s even harder with everything going on!!

I put on a strong front, but deep down I am weak and fragile; my only reason to keep going is my children, who give me so much love.

Happiness is a small thing you nibble on, sitting on the ground in the sun.

Hello dear Bujon,

I'm reaching out to you again; I'm horrified by what I just read. Your first post mentioned your husband's drinking tendencies, but I had no idea he was so dependent that his behavior became so violent toward you.

Bujon, you must absolutely take into account the last lines of our friend Lemagicien.

They're fine, when? Every other day, and then it's back to the grind…
Getting hit is always one too many!

It is absolutely true, and there will come a time when you will no longer be able to predict in advance when, under the influence of alcohol, he will become dangerous. Because, yes, he is a danger to you and to your children. Know that not everyone who is dependent on alcohol stops drinking overnight. In one of your previous posts, you specified the amounts he manages to drink in a day. I do not want to worry you more than you already are or hurt you, but one day he will drink a little more, and then even more. I am saddened to have to tell you all this, and my heart aches with every line I write to you. The role of a friend is to reassure, but also to help open one’s eyes. In this case, that role is delicate, because I do not want to hurt you by helping you become aware of certain things.

I suppose that despite these mistakes, as you say “his stupidities,” you must be feeling something, and that it won’t be easy to make decisions, especially since you must be quite alone and need to think about your children.

You will need to learn to reason coldly and weigh the pros and cons in this situation. But there is one thing that must always tip the scales in your favor: your children. From then on, your choices must always be oriented toward them, regardless of the circumstances or events.

I think there must be associations not far from your home that support women who need advice and support. There are social workers, and if you can find one who is good, I suppose she can help you. For now, I remain reserved about the effective help they can provide; however, in terms of financial assistance, as our friend Sesbylam pointed out, if you need it, she could help you pay an electricity bill. Fortunately, her family is aware of her alcohol dependency, but are they aware that he might lay a hand on you?

I wish you a lot of courage and I pray for you.

I’m sending you a kiss, and don’t forget to give your children big kisses from me.

Good luck and hang in there

Hello Bujon, Hello LeMagicien,
I wouldn't want to intervene in your discussions... but it comforts me to read LeMagicien's post. And I come to confirm your words, LeMagicien:
Indeed, my father… has been suffering from alcohol-related depressive episodes for nearly fifteen years now. It gets to him when problems seem too big for him to handle. I can always tell when it’s starting. I push my mother to react from the very first drink… but she always thinks—just like he does—that he’ll manage on his own. I always have to tell my mother—to push her: please don’t wait until the last minute, he might fall and hit his head or have a car accident and lose his life.
When my mother finally calls the doctors... we know we're safe for a while, but for how long? A month, two months, three months...
The only consolation: he is not violent.

I am taking up your two definitions of Bujon:

Alcohol has two versions. Either it’s an enemy who wants what’s best for you but does you harm, or it’s a friend who wants to do you harm but does you good.

or

Alcohol, the hell of the delightful everyday that kills its man by disintegrating him, without seeming to notice.

I would say that alcohol kills its man. Either morally or physically. Slowly or quickly (hepatitis, heart attack, …).

I don't know what the best thing is:

• drinking a glass every day. When I see the workers drinking their first drink (a beer) at 9 o'clock, when I’m having my first coffee or my second, it disgusts me
• to drink once a week but to get drunk and "vomit"

Dear Bujon, it is up to you to make a decision for yourself alone. I know it’s hard, but don’t let yourself be swept along. Take your courage in both hands and go see some support groups, whether AA or women’s groups, whatever you want.

In alcoholism, one must find the primary psychological reason... whether it lies in childhood or in a lack of self-confidence, whatever it may be, but I am convinced that there is a reason... deep and secret.

Best regards, ClaudiaC

We’ve been to the police station, and the verdict is:
6-month license suspension + 6 points deducted + medical follow-up and a court summons in June to set the fine amount.
All of this is beyond me, but at least the positive thing is that I opened up my whole bag to him,
As they say, we are married for better and for worse, and I believe we are nearing the worst. I truly want to help him fight the little demon inside him. I will try, and if it fails, I will find other, more difficult solutions.
But deep down in my heart, I am unable to let him hit rock bottom; I can’t turn my back on him. I love him, my kids love him too, he needs help, and I will give him whatever I can.
Maybe I'll still forget to take care of myself, but at least I won't have any regrets, and maybe we'll manage to reach the best.

Hello,

Take care of yourself first and of your children, my dear, otherwise you risk burnout... and even a breakdown. A job (an activity) for you to maintain your self-esteem, my beautiful one; your needs and your children are already a lot. As for Mr., you can do nothing about his illness, even though in my book alcoholism is not an illness... etc., but that is another point of view, etc.

Take care of yourself; I think we can’t say it enough. And don’t accept the unacceptable.

Rolande

Dear Bujon,

It’s beautiful that you want to do this to help your husband. But I beg you, think of yourself first, because putting yourself first means protecting your children.

Like you, many women have thought the same thing, believing that their love alone would be enough to heal their husbands. But that is not possible; it is not for nothing that doctors and specialized centers exist to treat alcoholism in dependent individuals. It is a disease. Bujon, neither you nor I are doctors. Leave this work to the specialists and take care of yourself and your children.

The more you try to help him, the more it will escalate, and anyway, don’t forget he has his pride and will never accept feeling that his wife is stronger than him, especially when it comes to alcoholism, and he will become cruel. Remember the time he hit you when you woke him up at work while he was asleep and drunk. When a man starts hitting his wife, he can also hit your children. I have too many examples to tell you right now.

What you can do is suggest that he see a doctor to help him, and even then, do so cautiously, as you don’t want to upset him and have him take it out on you.

I am with you in spirit and keep you in my thoughts.

Big kisses and good luck

Good evening

I’m going to try to think of myself, but I think it’s going to take me some time because, as I was saying, I’m not used to it!
He has never laid a hand on our kids, and he’d better not.
For medical follow-up, he is required to attend one because of his license suspension, otherwise he risks having his license revoked.
Life is so complicated!! One day everything is bright, and then all of a sudden everything turns dark.

Good morning, I hope things are a bit better for you and your kids this morning.

You know, your story reminds me a lot of years ago, my dear. The children, the husband, the work, the alcohol, etc... And I can assure you that if Mr. doesn't want to take care of himself, it will be you who suffers, just as you are suffering now, and when Mom suffers, the children suffer too. When Mom is doing well, the children are doing well too.

Protect your children, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, etc., otherwise you’ll be the one left in the lurch.

This man can't even stand up to me, and besides, that's part of the characteristics of alcoholics (or those who have a substance dependency problem).

Here lately, all I seem to get is bad things, and I don't know how to deal with it all anymore.
It all starts with my job; I get fired for reasons that aren't really valid, but whatever, let's move on!!

After my husband acted like an idiot, he had his driver's license revoked for drunk driving (which is well-deserved, as it's dangerous for him and others!). That said, I think he has a problem with alcohol, but I'm tired of arguing with him about it. Quoted by bujon.

The more you argue with him, the more he will ignore his problem. Look at yourself, you know he has a consumption problem, so let him deal with this dysfunction, because it belongs to him. You, my dear, must find other alternatives to live and stop merely surviving.

which means that I am forced to stop my job search, because wanting to work with elderly or disabled people, I would definitely have staggered hours, and since my husband no longer has a driver's license, he will no longer be able to pick up the kids from the daycare or nursery. Quoted by Bujon.

Why don't you get your driver's license? It's another option for you, so you can remain independent and autonomous and not need him to do what you need to do.

But the hardest part is that if I don't work, we'll never get ahead financially, and all of this scares me!!

Of course, you have to work; there are children at home.

I think this problem has been present for quite some time, hasn't it, and that you are enduring your husband's problem. Listen and look, you really need to make the difference between accompanying your husband and walking in his moccasins, and right now you are walking in his moccasins. Furthermore, he denies his alcohol problem, because it is easier for him to deny it.

Be careful: studies have shown, and my experience with chronic alcoholics confirms, that as long as you keep taking steps for him and protecting him, he will do nothing. He leans on you, and you end up doing everything for him... You are exhausted because you are working for him; you are walking in his moccasins.

I have no doubt that you love your husband when he is far away, because when he is sober, I am certain he is an adorable man with many qualities... but your reality is that when he drinks, his behavior changes, and I believe I saw somewhere that he even hit you.

You know, when violence takes hold, things are not okay. You do not deserve this violence; it is unacceptable. I have worked with alcoholics, and without exception, they all confirmed to me that even when intoxicated, they know what they are doing to their wives and children.

If violence sets in on top of the alcohol, that is truly unfortunate… You will realize that the more you try to help him, the more trapped he will feel, and he will think you are trying to control his life (he has already lost control of it, and he doesn’t even know it). And when he feels like he is losing control, or if he thinks for even a fraction of a second that you are trying to control his life, he will hit you… I know you want to help him because you love him; he is your man. But do you see all that beautiful energy you are putting out? Do it for yourself, for your children, because when you are in the pit, at the bottom of the abyss, he will drag you down with him; I mean, you will suffer just as much as he does. That is what he is doing right now: his bottom line is that he is the one hurting you. He drinks his pain, and that pain belongs to him. That pain does not belong to your children or to you, but entirely to him.

When he drinks, he wakes up in the morning with a certain guilt about having gotten drunk; however, if Mr. denies it, it is even more difficult—he is not even convinced himself that he has an alcohol problem.

Do you have any support around you… family, brother, sister, etc.? You can find help for women living with an alcoholic (Al-Anon) and for him at AA, etc. If he does nothing for himself, do something for yourself: choose yourself and stop covering for him the way a mother would for her child. He is an adult, of legal age, and vaccinated; it is up to him to take care of himself.

I’m going to try to think of myself, but I think it’s going to take me some time because, as I was saying, I’m not used to it!

I will try, but the result is very weak. I'm sorry, my dear. You have to DO it, even if you're not used to it. Tell yourself this: if there is an alcoholic in the family (a dependent), there is also a co-dependent, because every time you protect him, my dear, you are co-dependent on him, and you are approving of what he does.

He has never raised his hand to our kids (which would be unacceptable), and he would rather
For medical follow-up, he is required to undergo it (yes, the law mandates it; this does not mean he consents to receiving help) because of his license suspension, as otherwise he risks having his license revoked.
Life is so complicated!! One day everything is bright, and then all of a sudden it turns dark.

It is not life itself that is complicated; all of this is happening to you because you have to make choices for yourself and your children. Your life is complicated because there is a sick person in your family, an active alcoholic. That is why your life, your lives, are complicated. Do what you have to do, and you will see changes—perhaps not in him, but you must change things for yourself and your children.

You cannot change an alcoholic or help them heal; they must take charge of themselves. It is an illusion to believe that you can help or save them. It is your hope (a resilience factor) that makes you believe you can help or save them. Assertively state what you no longer want, and you change. You are the one who decides your life, not hers, and the life you want…

By the way, do you come from a family where alcohol was present?

Know that if he hit you once, he will do it again to control you and maintain his hold over you and your children; this is a reality you must understand. Even if he claims it’s alcohol, it’s unacceptable—he knows exactly what he’s doing, even when drunk.

I know it’s hard for you, since you say you love him, but somewhere deep down, love has nothing to do with your survival, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, or your children. He loves in an unhealthy way and will have to learn to love healthily, just like you. By encouraging this kind of relationship and protecting him, among other things, you are feeding his illness. As long as you continue to feed his pain, his sickness, he will abuse you and you will suffer. Only you can break this family pattern so that your children do not have to live through it later. I am speaking from an intergenerational perspective. You have the power to stop this pattern, which is destroying your family, right here and now.

I think that, deep down, the most beautiful gift of love you can give her is to stop walking in her moccasins. It’s up to you to decide what you want.

friendship /rolande

Good evening, dear Bujon,

I am reaching out to you again because it seemed important to me to continue helping you, and upon opening your post, I noticed that our friend Rolande has shared some important information with you. It is almost exactly the same as what I intended to convey to you. You can listen to everything she told you; Rolande is someone who always shares rich insights with us and offers sound advice.

For my part, I also had to endure for a year and a half a person who shared my life and who subjected my son and me to painful moments. I did not dare tell you, in the post where you described the quantities of drinks your husband consumes in a day, the quantities my ex used to consume. To give you an idea, he would drink a bottle of red wine at noon and another in the evening, all by himself, not to mention more than three-quarters of a bottle of whisky per day, counting on a 2-liter bottle and not a 75-cl one. Alcohol made him aggressive, even cruel; in fact, that is one of the reasons I kicked him out, because while I can understand many things, alcoholism is a flaw in a person that I find very hard to tolerate. Having no common interests, it was easy for me to break up despite my feelings. Love or no love, I prefer to protect my child and myself, therefore.

I sincerely hope that your husband will come to realize and accept this therapeutic follow-up in order to treat this illness. Let us be clear: alcoholism is a disease that must be treated. In the event that he becomes involved, here is what is recommended for the spouse to help facilitate the cessation of alcohol consumption.

It wasn't me who wrote it; it's an excerpt from an article written by doctors.

Your involvement in your husband's therapy enhances his chances of success. When your husband was drinking, you probably pressured him to reduce his consumption. If you want to help him, you must be prepared to let him take care of his problem and give up the desire to monitor him. It must begin with emotional detachment. This does not mean detaching from your husband, but from the emotions that his illness has provoked in you, and that is not easy. If you were critical of him or cold in your feelings, These are behaviors that likely contributed to keeping your husband in his dependency. (However, I remain reserved about this last sentence, because even if we don’t constantly make remarks to them, he still gravitates toward the drink, which is what I have observed.) We will need to shift to a different register.
Also know what he expects of you (Personal comment: do they really expect something from us?) If he asks you to ban wine and alcohol from the house and you commit to doing so, you both take an important step. To get back together, Explore your common interests and engage in activities togetherUnless you were caught in the cycle of codependency that drove you to constantly hover over him: in that case, first regain a healthy distance by scheduling moments of pleasure. In the article, they recommend a book titled “When the Other Drinks” by Dr. Claude Vehlinger and Maryse Tschui (Anne Carrière).

I think there are some interesting points to take away from this article; I hope it will help you, even though I find it a bit reductive—after all, it’s just an overview.

You can count on me, you can count on our friends, we will always be there to help you.

Good luck, and remember to put your children first before thinking about yourself; that is the most important thing.

I'm kissing you

Hello

Thankfully I have my driver’s license, otherwise it would really be a nightmare.

He finds himself completely dependent on me.

But he won't have a choice now; he'll have to go get what he needs.

Today, I had him on the phone and put him on the spot: either he gets treatment, or he packs his things and moves out of the house. He replied, “You’re not going to give me the silent treatment over this!!” Well, YES I AM!!

As for medical follow-up, he’s not really in favor of it, but he has no choice.

To answer Roland's question, it is on her family side that there are alcoholic individuals.

Since he isn't here this weekend, it allows me to think things over in peace and make decisions.

Tomorrow I'm going to my in-laws' place and we'll be able to discuss all of this, because they are on my side and I think they are also taking action on their end!

Anyway, I have to act because I can feel my strength diminishing before my eyes. I have bags under my eyes, I’m eating very little, I’m tired, angry, and stressed. In short, I need to get back on top of things; I don’t want to spiral.
What hurts me the most is that I've already been through this situation with someone else, although I think it was even worse than it is now!
Do you believe that true happiness exists?

I am happy about the support your family is giving you, and yes, you do have the right to refuse this kind of relationship. As you so well and so consciously put it, you have already experienced a similar situation… one you know all too well. It is up to you now to break the family pattern.

To your question of whether happiness exists: oh, yes, it does. Happiness is within you. Oh, yes, happiness exists. When you stand up for yourself, my dear... do things for yourself... and you did right to answer him, “You’re not going to give me the silent treatment over this, are you?”!! Well, YES!! And you have every right to give him the silent treatment... because you are disappointed by his behavior. And if you’re feeling down, you need to talk—come see us, my dear, and take care of yourself, don’t forget that. Be selfish... and don’t forget: don’t walk in his shoes. I almost feel like defining the family pattern of alcoholic families and so on. But that would be a bit long, and I almost feel like explaining why he is the way he is, why you are the way you are, or why I am the way I am... but yes, he has been completely dependent on you from the very beginning. The wheel turns, the vicious cycle, the turning wheel, etc. I think you know this wheel, having already experienced it.

Stay friendly and don't let go, especially hold on to your dreams as a woman, hold on to winners.

Good evening Bujon,

Happiness is sometimes hard to find, but it does exist!
Happiness is one of life's little things.
You find happiness by first being in harmony with yourself and by knowing how to appreciate the little things that bind us to others. The fight you are waging is not easy, but do it for yourself and your children, as well as for the man you love, in order to try to find again that happiness that united you!

Good evening
The magician.